Not every divorce involves two people calmly working toward a resolution. In some cases, one spouse may be highly combative, emotionally manipulative, or unwilling to cooperate throughout the legal process. These high-conflict divorces can quickly become exhausting, expensive, and emotionally draining for everyone involved, especially when children are part of the situation.
Common Signs of a High-Conflict Divorce
High-conflict divorces often involve patterns such as:
- Refusing to compromise
- Constant accusations or blame
- Delaying the legal process
- Hiding financial information
- Excessive texting or hostile communication
- Using children as leverage
- Ignoring court orders or agreements
These behaviors can make even simple decisions feel impossible and may increase stress for both spouses and children.
The Importance of Documentation
One of the most effective strategies in a high-conflict divorce is keeping clear records. Saving emails, text messages, financial documents, and parenting schedules can help create an objective record if disputes arise later.
Courts rely heavily on evidence, not emotions. Organized documentation can help attorneys and judges identify patterns of behavior and make informed decisions.
Setting Boundaries Matters
In high-conflict situations, constant arguing often makes matters worse. Keep communication brief, factual, and focused only on necessary topics, such as parenting schedules or finances. Bill Eddy, the high-conflict resolution expert, has a method he calls BIFF (Brief, Informative, Forceful, Friendly).
In some cases, communication tools or parenting apps like Our Family Wizard may also help create structure and accountability between parents.
Focusing on the Long-Term Goal
It is easy to become consumed by every disagreement during a difficult divorce. However, successful outcomes often come from staying focused on long-term priorities rather than trying to “win” every argument or situation. Judges generally appreciate parties who remain reasonable and child-focused, even during contentious cases, and only bring something to the court’s attention when necessary. Judges will also usually reward parties that behave well. If your spouse is a high-conflict person, sometimes the best strategy is just to wait for them to self-destruct by doing some of the patterns described above. All high-conflict parties will self-destruct at some point.
Final Thoughts
High-conflict divorces are challenging, but strategy and preparation can make a significant difference. While an uncooperative spouse may create obstacles throughout the process, maintaining documentation, setting boundaries, and staying focused on long-term goals can help reduce unnecessary conflict and protect both financial and parental interests.
Divorce is already difficult. Approaching a high-conflict case with structure, patience, and experienced legal guidance can help families move forward more effectively and with less lasting damage.
I help clients minimize the destruction of divorce whether it be through the collaborative law model, the court process or mediation. My focus is on complex family law cases and representing professionals and their spouses who value a proactive solution orientated approach to their divorce. Our policy is to provide prompt responses and regular status updates to clients. Keeping the client informed about their cases is the highest priority. We as a firm are accessible when needed. Clients want a speedy resolution to their divorce or family law matter without sacrificing the best possible outcome. I am a strong advocate of the Collaborative Law and mediation dispute resolution methods for their ability to custom-craft solutions, minimize conflict and usually reduce the time of a case. Not only are we experts on family law, but we understand the impact of divorce on children and we help client’s develop co-parenting relationships. Clients deserve to be treated with kindness and empathy during this difficult time. We as a firm represent clients in a professional, ethical manner. The firm uses the latest technology to save time and make the client’s experience easier.
Recognition:
*Selected as an Illinois Super Lawyer by Super Lawyers Magazine for 2024. This distinction is limited to the top 5% of lawyers in each practice area. In 2015, selected as a “Rising Star” which is only granted to 2.5% of lawyers. Super Lawyers has a patented multi-phase process that includes independent research, peer nominations and peer evaluations.
* Chicago Bar Association Milton H. Grey Award for Outstanding Project Leadership (2012).
Involvement
*Collaborative Law Institute of Illinois (CLII) Executive Board Member
*Center for Conflict Resolution (CCR) Volunteer Mediator
*Chicago Bar Association Judicial Evaluation Committee